真有趣。我没意识到我是个驼鹿混蛋
Funny that. I didn't realise I was a moose fucker
直到我来到苏格兰，谢谢。
until I came to Scotland, thank you.
任何人都可以干羊。
Anybody can fuck sheep.
你想操一只麋鹿，你最好有个计划，是吗？
You want to fuck a moose, you better have a plan, yeah?
提前想想你在后面做什么。
Think in advance of what you're doing back there.
给你自己拿根冰棍，这样你就可以挠他的耳朵了。
Get yourself an ice hockey stick so you can tickle his ear.
从我的反应中，我可以看出我不必为你表演。
Which, from that reaction, I can tell I didn't have to act out for you.
你不觉得故事里的麋鹿是个男孩吗？
Doesn't bother anyone that the moose in that story is a boy?
不。
No.
我真的很享受在苏格兰的生活。
I'm actually enjoying the shit out of my life in Scotland.
顺便说一句，苏格兰是世界上最棒的地方。
There's nowhere like Scotland, by the way.
知道有加拿大人，美国人，
Knowing that there are Canadians, Americans,
全世界的人都会为能成为观众而激动
people all over the world that would be thrilled to be in an audience
在格拉斯哥的一个该死的星期六在弗兰基·博伊尔面前。
in front of Frankie Boyle on a fucking Saturday in Glasgow.
你是个幸运的观众。
You are a lucky, lucky audience.
你要做的就是享受今晚。。。
And all you have to do to enjoy tonight supremely...
我想我们有漏洞了，他们在点头。
I think we've got our leaks in, the heads are nodding.
我们很高兴来到这里吗？我们在一个好地方吗？
Are we happy to be here? Are we in a good place?
伟大的。
Great.
我们在一个非常独特的活动中感到兴奋吗？
Do we feel thrilled that we're at a very unique event?
这是你自己的。这个人在格拉斯哥长大。
This is one of your own. This man grew up in Glasgow.
他闻名于世。
He's known all over the world.
他受到其他喜剧演员的尊敬。
He's revered by other comedians.
我很荣幸能和他同台演出。
I'm honoured to be sharing a stage with him.
我希望你能有幸在剧院里看他那该死的Netflix节目。
I hope you're honoured to be in a theatre watching his Netflix fucking show.
我们他妈的为此兴奋吗？
Are we fucking excited about this?
是 啊！
Yeah!
好吧，那么，让我们制造更多的噪音，
Well, then, let's make even more noise than that,
欢迎你，唯一的，你自己的，格拉斯哥，
and welcome out the one, the only, your own, Glasgow,
弗兰基·博伊尔！
Frankie Boyle!
女士们先生们，让我们为克雷格·坎贝尔先生听一听。
Let's hear it for Mr Craig Campbell, ladies and gentlemen.
哦，我43岁了，我的身体就像一个掉下来的千层面。
Oh, I'm 43 and I've got a body like a dropped lasagne.
我43岁了，现在射精了
I'm 43 and I now ejaculate
用玛丽·贝瑞的冰笛的全部力量。
with all the force of Mary Berry's icing piper.
女人们现在用同样可怕的方式看着我的裸体
Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way
养老金领取者看着雪。
that pensioners look at snow.
老实说，他们两个都可能会伤到你的骨盆。
Let's be honest, they're both probably going to break your pelvis.
享受英国名人的集体审判
Enjoyed the mass trial of Britain's celebrities
就像纽伦堡的恋童癖。那很好。
like some paedophile Nuremberg. That was good.
斯图尔特·霍尔有15个月。
Stuart Hall got 15 months.
法官说他们会给他15年，
The judge said they would have given him 15 years,
但他担心听到他的判决会射精。
but he was worried he'd ejaculate when he heard his sentence.
我自己从来没有卷入名人恋童癖。
I never get involved in celebrity paedophilia, myself.
我以前只是站在角落里看。
I used to just stand in a corner and watch.
我会让杰里米比德尔模仿恋童癖的感觉
I'd simulate the feeling of paedophilia by getting Jeremy Beadle
用他的小手把我赶走。
to wank me off with his tiny hand.
萨维尔，伙计，他有自己的电视节目。
Savile, man, he had his own TV show.
另一首赞歌肯定是在狂怒。
The other paedos must have been raging.
“我有一个让孩子们梦想成真的电视节目。
"I've got a TV show that makes children's dreams come true.
“你有什么发现？”
"What have you got?"
“一辆运输车和一大袋狂欢。
"A transit van and a big bag of Revels.
“滚开。”
"Fuck off."
让需要帮助的孩子有点尴尬，不是吗？
Made Children in Need a bit awkward now, hasn't it?
我有一个理论认为萨维尔把普西的眼睛从眼窝里挖出来了。
I have a theory that Savile fucked Pudsey's eye out of its socket.
是马拉松让我兴奋。
It's the marathons that get me.
他妈的一周只有两次马拉松。
There's only fucking two marathons a week.
那是怎么回事？
What's that about?
想象一个小男孩，
Imagine a wee boy,
你从这些地方逃出来了。
you've escaped from one of these places where you've been pumped.
儿童之家之类的。
A children's home or whatever.
你整晚都在跑。
And you run all night long.
你尽可能地跑你的小腿，
You run as far as your little legs will carry you,
天亮时，你躲在沟里，睡在沟里。
and as dawn breaks you hide in a ditch, you sleep in a ditch.
夜幕降临，你又跑了。
Night falls again, you run again.
你跑到了你年轻耐力的极限，
You run to the limit of your young endurance,
你跑了2223英里。
you've run 22, 23 miles.
你想，“就这样。我很安全。”
You think, "That's it. I'm safe."
不，你不是。
No, you're not.
吉米·萨维尔的恋童癖范围是26英里。
Jimmy Savile had the paedophilic range of 26 miles.
很明显他们教人恋童癖
Obviously they taught people in paedophilia
几千年来一直和天主教会在一起。
for millennia with the Catholic church.
这就是为什么那些小天使必须进化出翅膀。
That's why those little cherub angels had to evolve wings.
试着飞起来离开牧师。
To try and fly up and away from the priests.
这就是为什么主教们有这么大的卷发棒，
That's why bishops had those big curly sticks,
试着把他们弄下来。
to try and get them back down.
卷入恋童癖丑闻的政客们。。。
The politicians involved in paedophile scandals...
当然政客们都是该死的孩子。
Of course politicians are fucking kids.
他们杀了孩子。
They kill kids.
他们每周都会用自己的决定来杀孩子。
They kill kids with their decisions every fucking week.
为他妈的孩子们干掉他们
Having a go at them for fucking kids
就像在彼得·萨特克利夫停车时批评他一样。
is like criticising Peter Sutcliffe when he's parallel parking.
我真的相信今天地板下面还有活着的孩子，
I honestly believe there are children alive today underneath the floorboards,
在国会大厦的墙上。
and in the walls of the Houses of Parliament.
这就是为什么他们都发出那种疯狂的动物叫声。
That's why they all make those mad kind of animal braying noises.
“救命啊！救命，我们被困住了……”
"Help! Help, we're trapped..."
“听，听。听，听。”
"Hear, hear. Hear, hear."
“救命啊，他要伏法了……”
"Help, he's going to fu..."
“听，听，听。”
"Hear, hear, hear."
这种玩笑正是原因
That kind of joke is exactly the reason
我有机会得到自己的电视节目
that the chances of me getting my own TV show
和机会差不多
are about the same as the chances
有人委托巴基斯坦版的不要告诉新娘。
of someone commissioning a Pakistani version of Don't Tell the Bride.
所以，看起来我们有一个首相，他操死了猪的脸。
So, it looks like we have a Prime Minister who fucks dead pigs' faces.
他们将不得不在那里投一个“据称”的编辑。
They'll have to throw in an "allegedly" there for the edit.
据说他骑在死猪的脸上。
Allegedly he mounts the faces of dead pigs.
那一定是上流社会的事，不是吗？
That has to be an upper-class thing, doesn't it?
我不认为任何工人阶级都幻想过
I don't think any working-class person has fantasised about
把公鸡放在死猪头上
putting a cock in a dead pig's head
自从拉乌尔护城河死了。
since Raoul Moat died.
这些启示来自一本书叫我戴夫，这很讽刺，
Those revelations came in a book called Call Me Dave, which is ironic,
因为那是一段时间内任何人都不会给他打电话的。
'cause that is the last thing that anybody will be calling him for quite some time.
还发生了什么？
What else has been happening?
大家都为那只被杀的狮子发疯了。
Everyone went nuts about that lion that got killed.
我不是说一头狮子被杀并不悲伤。它是。
I'm not saying it's not sad that a lion got killed. It is.
我讨厌你看到这些美国胖游客的照片
I hate it when you see these photos of big, fat American tourists
当他们射杀长颈鹿的时候。
when they've shot a giraffe.
他们总是穿着迷彩服，
They're always wearing camouflage,
就像长颈鹿他妈的还击。
like giraffes fucking shoot back.
我只想说，
All I'm saying is,
我们看到了美国人和伊拉克人的照片。
we've seen exactly the same photos of Americans with dead Iraqis.
唯一的区别是我们知道狮子的名字。
The only difference is we know the lion's fucking name.
我真的认为如果我当时是阿富汗平民，
I honestly think if I was an Afghan civilian at the minute,
我会打扮成豹子，
I would get dressed up as a leopard,
希望我被瑞奇·热尔韦救了。
and hope I got saved by Ricky Gervais.
加来的难民危机。。。那些人也很害怕。
Got the refugee crisis in Calais... Those people are frightened as well.
你能想象你有多害怕吗
Can you imagine how frightened you have to be
在英国卡车后面看起来是个安全的地方之前？
before the back of a British truck looks like a safe place?
他们正奋力冲进给青少年下药的卡车
They're fighting to get into trucks that drugged teenagers
正在奋力逃出去。
are fighting to get out of.
我完全赞成移民。同时，
I'm totally pro-immigration. At the same time,
我想看到一个非洲农民可以在非洲生活和耕作的世界，
I'd like to see a world where an African farmer can live and farm in Africa,
不需要穿过地中海
and doesn't have to try and cross the Mediterranean
在他妈的被刺穿的里洛身上，
on a fucking punctured lilo,
然后在卡车下晃荡四天，好让他找到工作
then dangle under a lorry for four days so that he can get a job
在夜总会的厕所里分发棒棒糖。
handing out lollipops in a nightclub toilet.
而且，我从来没有小便和思考过，
Also, I've never finished a piss and thought,
“我真的可以去吃棒棒糖。”
"I could really go for a lollipop."
我40多岁了，会运球。
I'm in my 40s, I dribble.
我想在夜总会厕所里找个人
What I want in a nightclub toilet is someone
他会像雨伞一样把我的鸡抖出来。
who'll shake my cock out like a wet umbrella.
英国独立党已经在这方面大行其道了，嗯？
UKIP have jumped on the bandwagon about all that stuff, eh?
奈杰尔·法拉奇，在我看来，他总是像一只试图逃离阴囊的青蛙。
Nigel Farage, who to me always looks like a frog trying to escape from a scrotum.
他有点像，法拉奇，就像酒吧里那个买饮料的家伙
He sort of looks, Farage, like that guy down the pub that people buy drinks
只是想看看他会说什么。
just to see what he'll say.
“给他几杯威士忌，让他给一个中国人打电话。
"Give him a couple of whiskies and tell him to phone a Chinese.
“看这个。”
"Watch this."
他来到苏格兰，被一群愤怒的暴徒追赶，躲在一家酒吧里。
He came up to Scotland and got chased by an angry mob and hid in a pub.
躲避苏格兰人。。。
Hid from Scottish people...
在酒吧里。
In a pub.
就像他妈的扮成羚羊躲着老虎一样。
It's like hiding from a tiger by dressing up as a fucking antelope.
那也是在爱丁堡。
That was in Edinburgh, as well.
那是苏格兰最优雅的地方。
That's the genteel part of Scotland.
爱丁堡和格拉斯哥是截然不同的城市。
Edinburgh and Glasgow are very different cities.
例如，如果你在爱丁堡看到一个人走在街上
For example, if you see a guy in Edinburgh walking down the street
他拿着高尔夫球棒，经常去打高尔夫球。
carrying a golf club, he's often going to play a game of golf.
法拉奇回避了这个问题
Farage dodged the question
他是否认为伊德里斯·埃尔巴应该成为下一个詹姆斯·邦德。
of whether he thought Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.
我认为伊德里斯·厄尔巴会是一个伟大的詹姆斯·邦德，
And I think Idris Elba would be a great James Bond,
因为我想看一部债券电影
'cause I want to see a Bond movie where the pre-credit sequence
只是一个黑人想开阿斯顿马丁车穿过伦敦市中心。
is just a black guy trying to drive an Aston Martin through central London.
“好像有人朝我们开枪，邦德。”
"Someone seems to be shooting at us, Bond."
“我想是大都会。”
"I think it's the Met."
英国独立党想要一个澳大利亚式的积分系统。
UKIP want an Australian-style point system.
澳大利亚是世界上种族主义最严重的地方。
Australia is the most racist place on Earth.
艾尔斯岩只是一堆死去的土著人
Ayers Rock is just a load of dead Aborigines
用防水布盖住它。
with a tarpaulin pulled over it.
对你们有些人来说是不是太过分了？
Was that too much for some of you?
这可能是一个很长的小时。
This might be quite a long hour.
这是一种温柔的搔痒，一种前戏，
This is a gentle tickling, kind of foreplay,
我们所涉及的。
what we're involved in here.
“挠痒痒的前戏”听起来很阴险，不是吗？
"Tickling foreplay" sounded sinister, didn't it?
你从来没听说过英国独立党的支持者有多种族主义，
You never hear quite how racist UKIP supporters are,
因为他们总是在大街上为新闻做vox播报。
cause they always do those vox pops for the news in the high street.
他们需要开始在酒吧里做这些。
They need to start doing those down the pub.
“好吧，哥们儿，如果你在布罗姆利大街3点抓住我，
"Well, guv'nor, if you'd caught me at 3:00 on Bromley High Street,
“我会告诉你，我最关心的是欧洲。
"I'd have told you that my main area of concern was Europe.
“不过，既然我们在风箱里，我会欣然承认是犹太人干的。”
"But seeing as we're in Weatherspoons, I'll cheerfully admit that it's the Jews."
这，算是个不错的过去派对吧，英国独立党，不是吗？
It's, sort of, the good-ol'- days party, UKIP, isn't it?
你还记得过去的美好时光吗？
Do you remember the good ol' days?
在过去的好日子里你可以吃炸鱼薯条和小儿麻痹症。
You could get fish n' chips and polio in the good ol' days.
你可以让前门开着，因为你他妈的值得一试。
You could leave your front door open, 'cause you had fuck-all worth nicking.
没有人有力气开门，
And no one had the strength to open the door,
因为他们都得了小儿麻痹症。
'cause they all had fucking polio.
你可以在星期一的银行假期去码头散步，
And you could go out for a walk on a bank holiday Monday down the pier,
你的弟弟会失踪，再也不会露面了。
and your little brother would go missing, never to be seen again.
在他妈的好日子里。
In the fucking good ol' days.
在过去的好日子里你可以有一双老膝盖，
You could have a right old knees-up in the good ol' days,
如果你没有他妈的小儿麻痹症。
if you didn't have fucking polio.
你在电视上有综艺节目，不像你的另类喜剧，不。
And you had variety shows on the TV, not like your alternative comedy, no.
综艺节目上的每个人都会跳舞唱歌，
Everyone on that variety show, they could dance, they could sing,
他们可以讲故事。
they could tell a story.
他们每个人都是被定罪的猥亵儿童者。
And each and every one of them was a convicted child molester.
你以为从那天起你就模糊地认出了其中一个
And you thought you vaguely recognised one of them from the day
你弟弟失踪了。
that your little brother went missing.
但你不能肯定，
But you couldn't be sure,
因为你喝醉了，即使你才四岁。
'cause you'd been drunk, even though you're only four-years-old.
因为那是他妈的好日子。
'Cause it was the fucking good ol' days.
你喝了漱口水里的酒精
You were drunk from the alcohol content of the mouthwash
吉米·萨维尔过去常在受害者之间插嘴。
that Jimmy Savile used to dip his cock in between victims.
因为那是他妈的好日子。
'Cause it was the fucking good ol' days.
他妈的好日子，当你可以“哦”一个关于艾尔斯·洛克的坏笑话，
The fucking good ol' days, when you could "ooh" a bad joke about Ayers Rock,
不知道接下来的两个笑话，
not knowing that two jokes down the line,
吉米·萨维尔把他妈的公鸡放在漱口水里。
Jimmy Savile was dipping his fucking cock in mouthwash.
去他妈的，那一点要进去了。
Fuck it, that bit's going in.
你知道伊拉克难民返回英国的主要目的地吗
Do you know the main place for refugees from Iraq getting re-homed in Britain
是格拉斯哥吗？
is Glasgow?
叹息。
Sighthill.
是的，我没问具体在哪里。我是。。。
Yeah, I didn't ask for exactly where. I was...
我不想他妈的离开这个舞台
I wasn't just going to fucking fuck off this stage
在录音过程中
in the middle of this recording
去找一个该死的伊拉克难民，嗯？
to go and find a fucking Iraqi refugee, eh?
“你。。。你去看演出了吗？”
"Did you... Did you go to the show?"
“其实有点奇怪。他做了大约10分钟，
"It was a bit weird, actually. He did about 10 minutes,
“然后他就去了Sighthill。
"and then he fucked off to Sighthill.
“两小时后，他带着一个叫艾哈迈德的人回来了。
"Two hours later, he came back with a guy called Ahmed.
“祝我们大家晚安。”
"Wished us all a fucking good night."
我说的这些句子中的一些只是开玩笑，伙计。好吗？
Some of these sentences I say will just be the set-ups to jokes, pal. Okay?
伙计，你还好吗？谢谢你帮我。
How are you doing anyway, buddy? Thanks for trying to help me out.
你看起来。。。你看起来像是生活中的某个时刻，
You look like... You look like at some point in life,
你不得不把一只危险的狗从你妈妈身上拉下来。
you've had to pull a dangerous dog off your mum.
这样你就可以自己动手干她了。
So that you could have a go at fucking her yourself.
你知道他们送伊拉克难民的主要地方吗。。。
Do you know the main place they send Iraqi refugees...
该死的。。。
Fucking hell...
所以，孩子们。你在逃避宗派仇恨和暴力？
So, boys. You're fleeing sectarian hatred and violence?
我喜欢这家老公司，伙计。
I love the Old Firm, man.
两组胖子在唱饥荒。
Two sets of fat people singing about famine.
没有游骑兵你永远无法取代仇恨，是吗？
You'll never replace the hatred without Rangers, will you?
没有游骑兵，你永远不会回到仇恨的水平，
You'll never get back to the same level of hatred without Rangers,
即使你有穆斯林的蓟。
even if you had a Muslim Partick Thistle.
天主教徒和穆斯林只会为他们之间的仇恨而团结起来
The Catholics and the Muslims would just bond over their mutual hatred
橙色的衣服。
of orange outfits.
我们落后了6分，孩子们，但我们会在斋月的时候追回来的。
We're, six points behind, boys, but we'll claw it back over Ramadan.
实际上，我他妈的很喜欢橘色的散步。我喜欢，伙计。
I fucking love the Orange Walk, actually. I love it, man.
生活中没有多少东西让我觉得自己很帅。
There aren't a lot of things left in life that make me feel handsome.
我完全是认真的，对吧。
I totally mean this in a good way, right.
我不是说橙色散步是同性恋。
I'm not saying the Orange Walk is gay.
我只想说，
All I'm saying is,
如果我想证明我不是同性恋，
if I was trying to prove that I wasn't gay,
我个人不会这么做的。
that's not how I, personally, would go about it.
“你叫谁同性恋？给我拿我的长棍和粉红丝带。
"Who are you calling gay? Fetch me my majorettes stick and my pink ribbon.
“我要做一个小小的例行公事，让你看起来很傻。”
"I'm about to perform a wee routine that will leave you looking rather foolish."
前几周一个英国人问我
An English guy asked me the other week what's the difference between
一个苏格兰天主教徒和一个苏格兰新教徒。
a Scottish Catholic and a Scottish Protestant.
这是一个相当困难的问题。
Which is quite a difficult question.
因为真的没有。
'Cause there isn't one, really.
我能想到的就是这个。
And the best I could come up with was this.
一个苏格兰新教徒只想到他去世的亲戚
A Scottish Protestant only thinks about his relatives who've passed away
在他生命中的好时候。
at good points in his life.
“我真希望我爸爸还活着看到我毕业。
"I wish my dad was still alive to see me graduate.
“我真希望我叔叔汤米还在这里，看我得到这份工作。”
"I wish my uncle Tommy was still here to see me get this job."
而一个苏格兰天主教徒只想着他死去的亲人
Whereas a Scottish Catholic only thinks about his dead relatives
当他做了一些有罪或可耻的事。
when he's doing something guilty, or shameful.
“对不起，奶奶。”
"I'm sorry, Granny."
我他妈的很抱歉！
I'm fucking sorry!
我很抱歉那个笑话，奶奶。
I'm sorry about that joke, Granny.
以及我的整个职业生涯。
And my entire career, to date.
你他妈的在开玩笑的时候擤鼻涕真的很大声，你知道吗？
You were fucking blowing your nose really loudly during that joke, did you know?
你想引起注意吗？
You wanted a wee bit of attention?
你就像是有人想把一集《无坚不摧》
You're like someone tried to set an episode of The Undateables
在狼人社区。
in the werewolf community.
嘿，伙计，你是什么？
Hey, man, what are you?
一个喜欢同性恋的异性恋男人，
A straight guy that likes the gay look,
像我这样喜欢直男的同性恋？
a gay guy that likes the straight look, like myself?
你好像收集了更多的戒指
You look like you've collected more rings
比他妈的刺猬索尼克强多了。
than Sonic the fucking Hedgehog.
当你终于吮吸了一只公鸡，它的味道将是解脱。
When you finally suck a cock, all it's going to taste of is relief.
公投后我没在苏格兰演出过，
I haven't really done gigs in Scotland since the referendum,
所以我只知道你们中的55%可能是婊子。
so all I know is that 55% of you are probably cunts.
老实说，不管怎样，在我的人群中这一直是平均水平，所以。。。
To be honest, that was always the average with my crowds, anyway, so...
是老年人搞的公投，不是吗？
It was old people that swung the referendum, wasn't it?
你知道它让我想起了什么吗？
Do you know what it reminded me of?
这让我想起你以前在智力竞赛节目中看到一对苏格兰老夫妇。
It reminded me of when you used to see an old Scottish couple in a quiz show.
你站在他们后面，然后说，“来吧，聪明点。”
And you get behind them, you go, "Come on, be brilliant."
因为他们是苏格兰人，而且他们总是那么愚蠢。
'Cause they were Scottish and they're always daft as fuck.
“第一个问题。
"Question number one.
“你认为你能卖石油赚钱吗？”
"Do you think that you can sell oil for money?"
“你认为我们可以吗，亚历克？
"Do you think we could, Alec?
“你认为我们能把石油卖了吗？
"Do you think we can sell the oil for money?
“你认为有人会付钱给我们吗？用钱买石油？
"Do you think someone would pay us money? Money for the oil?
“我们不这么认为，不。”
"We don't think so, no."
你们这些该死的老混蛋。
You fucking stupid old bastards.
那我们就要节俭了。
Then we've got austerity.
也很糟糕。
It's pretty bad as well.
格拉斯哥的情况很糟
Things are so bad in Glasgow
妈妈们已经开始把孩子打扮成裁判了
that mothers have started dressing their children up as referees
希望人们在街上向他们扔硬币。
in the hope that people throw coins at them in the street.
每个人都在找责任人。
And everybody's looking for somebody to blame.
是移民吗？是靠福利生活的人吗？
Is it immigrants? Is it people on benefits?
是他妈的银行！
It was the fucking banks!
他们让你看他们做的！
They showed you them doing it!
他妈的新闻！
On the fucking news!
我是唯一记得的人吗？
Am I the only person that remembers that?
我疯了吗？
Have I gone fucking crazy?
你知道它让我想起什么吗？
Do you know what it reminds me of?
这让我想起了我小时候在奶奶家看哥伦布的情景。
It reminds me of watching Columbo at my Granny's when I was wee.
哥伦布，他们会按信贷前的顺序给你看谋杀案。
Columbo, they'd show you the murder in the pre-credit sequence.
这不是什么好事，
It wasn't a whodunnit,
是关于哥伦布证明是他干的。
it was about Columbo proving that the guy did it.
到一半的时候，我奶奶总会去，
And then halfway through, my Granny would always go,
“我想是她。”
"I think it was her."
不，奶奶，是他妈的！
No, Granny, it was fucking him!
他们让你看他是用他妈的镇纸做的。
They showed you him doing it with a fucking paperweight.
紧缩政策也是如此。
It's exactly the same thing with austerity.
“我想是角落里那些波兰婊子干的。”
"I think it was those Polish cunts in the corner."
是他妈的银行！
It was the fucking banks!
该死的银行！
The fucking banks!
还有政治课的计划。
And the political class project onto you.
“他们都在偷东西，都在偷东西，都在摆弄东西。”
"They're all stealing, they're all scrounging, they're fiddling."
因为他们他妈的偷你的东西。
'Cause they fucking steal from you.
他们他妈的在耍你。
They fucking fiddle from you.
你的颓废思想可能是浴池炸弹之类的，对吧？
Your idea of decadence is probably bath bombs or something, right?
你知道什么是心理投射吗？
Do you know what psychological projection is?
所以，就像美国白人一样
So, like white Americans
有一个黑人罪犯的刻板印象。
have a stereotype of black people as being criminals.
你想，“不！你偷的。
And you think, "No! You stole them.
“你从非洲偷来的。”
"You stole them from Africa."
我们需要更多地考虑政治家的心理。
We need to think more about the psychology of politicians.
弗拉基米尔普京可能是个同性恋者，因为他必须经历一生
Vladimir Putin is probably a homophobe, because he's had to go through life
以一个同性恋色情明星的名字。
with the name of a gay porn star.
保守派对三代人都没工作的家庭感到失望，
Conservatives are down on families that haven't worked for three generations,
因为他们知道如果他们能活到五代，
'cause they know if they make it to five generations,
他们有贵族资格。
they qualify as aristocracy.
卡梅伦。实际上，卡梅伦在选举中做了非常聪明的事。
Cameron. Cameron did that very clever thing in the election, actually.
他坚持要和七位领导人进行电视辩论，
He insisted on having the TV debate with seven leaders,
因为他在一个有七个人的房间里感觉更强大，
'cause he feels more powerful in a room with seven people,
据统计，他知道其中一个会被强奸
as he knows that, statistically, one of them will have been raped
一个保守党议员。
by a Conservative MP.
在议会里看着卡梅伦，这是真的。
Watch Cameron in Parliament, and this is true.
不要用“孩子”这个词。
Never uses the word "children".
总是说“年轻人”，“年轻人的问题”，
Always goes "young people", "problems for young people",
因为他知道如果他说“孩子”这个词，
'cause he knows if he says the word "children",
他的整个后板凳都会压在他的脖子上。
his whole back bench will come on his neck.
我觉得读到罗宾·威廉姆斯去年去世的消息很难过。
I thought it was very sad to read about the death of Robin Williams last year.
我不能是唯一一个。。。
I can't be the only person...
你喜欢罗宾威廉姆斯的死吗？
You enjoyed the death of Robin Williams?
他只是，就像，“嗯，事实上，是我干的。
He's just, like, "Well, actually, I did.
“我很喜欢他早期的工作，但说实话，帕特·亚当斯。。。
"I enjoyed his early work, but, to be honest, Patch Adams...
“很有趣的是那个给亚当斯打补丁的人真的自杀了。
"Quite amused me that the guy who did Patch Adams actually committed suicide.
这其中有一定的讽刺意味。
There was a certain amount of irony involved in that.
坦白地说，如果你不承认，那就太无礼了。”
And you'd be churlish to deny it, frankly."
我读到罗宾·威廉姆斯的死，我想，
I read about the death of Robin Williams and I thought,
“为什么詹姆斯·科尔登不能沮丧呢？”
"Why can't James Corden get depressed?"
我在伦敦做的，一个家伙真他妈的很生气。
I did that in London, a guy got really fucking angry.
他说：“我妻子很沮丧！”
He went, "My wife is depressed!"
事实证明，对这种诘问的正确反应不是，
Turns out, the correct response to that heckle is not,
“这他妈的不奇怪。”
"No fucking wonder."
他说。。。这都是真的。
He said... This is all true.
“讽刺的是，抑郁症是一种非常严重的疾病。”
"The irony is depression's a very serious illness."
我说，“你好像不明白讽刺意味着什么。
I said, "You don't seem to understand what irony means.
“讽刺的是，你让我感到沮丧。”
"The irony here is that you're making me feel depressed."
他走了出去。
And he walked out.
当他走出去的时候，他转过身去说：“自杀永远不会有意思！”
And as he walked out he turned round and went, "Suicide can never be funny!"
我说，“好吧，杀了你自己看看我笑不笑。”
I said, "Well, kill yourself and see if I laugh."
为什么总是喜剧能把每个人最坏的一面展现出来？
Why is it always comedy that brings out the worst in everybody?
人们不会跟着哈姆雷特大喊，
People don't go along to Hamlet and shout,
“我丈夫感到忧郁！”
"My husband feels melancholy!"
它并不总是一个快乐的天赋，对人来说是本能的恐怖，
It's not always a happy talent, being reflexively horrible to people,
但我只有一个。
but it's the one I've got.
几个月前我在伦敦，
I was in London a few months back,
一个小家伙拿着写字板走到我跟前，
and a wee guy came up to me with a clipboard and he went,
“只要每月20英镑，你就可以成为圣保罗大教堂的朋友。”
"For just £20 a month, you can become a friend of St Paul's Cathedral."
我问，“那要多少钱去干呢？”
I went, "How much to fuck it, then?"
那实际上是查理周刊大屠杀的日子。
That was actually the day of the Charlie Hebdo massacre.
我在去伦敦的火车上，
I was on the train down to London,
有个人拿着笔记本电脑坐在我对面，
and there's guy sat across from me with his laptop,
读到大屠杀发生时的情景。
reading about the massacre as it happens.
我想他开始了一段很长的种族主义的咆哮
And he went into a long, I think, racist rant
关于基督徒如何从不卷入恐怖主义。
about how Christians never get involved in terrorism.
他是贝尔法斯特来的！
And he was from fucking Belfast!
我觉得大卫·卡梅伦不错
I thought it was good David Cameron
他过去声援查理周刊。
went over to show his solidarity with Charlie Hebdo.
他对他们所代表的立场感到无比的团结，是吗？
He couldn't feel less solidarity with what they stood for, could he?
他应该表现出真正的团结
He should have shown genuine solidarity
在追悼会上讲一个非常无礼的笑话。
by telling a really offensive joke at the memorial.
把花圈扔到一边去，
Just throwing the wreath to one side and going,
“我只想说我喜欢我的女人就像我喜欢我的威士忌。
"I'd just like to say that I like my women like I like my whisky.
“十二岁，在桶里。”
"Twelve-years-old and in a barrel."
“我当然是在开玩笑。18岁，满满一瓶可乐。”
"I'm joking, of course. 18 and full of coke."
人们总是在纪念碑前撒谎。
People always lie at memorials.
“我和家人在一起。”
"My thoughts are with the family."
你的思想从来就不在一个地方。老实说。
Your thoughts are never in one place. Be honest about it.
“我和家人在一起。
"My thoughts are with the family.
“还想知道我能不能把折叠人字拖塞进嘴里。”
"And also wondering if I can fit a folded-up flip-flop into my mouth."
有一个地方可以演进攻性的喜剧。
There is a place for offensive comedy.
喜剧只是我们想出来的。
Comedy's just a thing we came up with.
因为大多数时候，我们都在想同样的小缆车，
'Cause most of the time, we're all thinking the same little tramlines,
喜剧只是我们给一些人的许可证，
and comedy's just a licence we gave to some people to say,
“去看看那边是什么，”
"Go and see what's over there,"
进攻性喜剧就在那边稍远一点。
and offensive comedy's just a wee bit further over there.
我们不是去吓唬你的，你知道的。
We don't go over there to horrify you, you know that.
去那边吧，因为我们觉得这可能很有趣。
Just go over there 'cause we think it may be a really funny.
或者很有趣。可能很重要。
Or interesting. Could be important.
我给你举个例子。
I'll give you an example.
看看我们都有同样的感觉。
Look at something we'd all feel the same about.
我们都认为这是件好事。
Something we all think is a good thing.
比如癌症研究。
Like cancer research.
有人会来找你然后走，
Someone would come up to you and go,
“我在跑马拉松。我的朋友死于癌症。这是他想要的。”
"I'm running a marathon. My friend died from cancer. It's what he'd have wanted."
“你确定？我想他宁愿活着。”
"You sure? I think he'd rather be alive."
别跟他那样说。
Don't actually say that to him.
好吧，让我们更进一步。
All right, let's actually go further out.
让我们挑一件我们不可能不同意的事。
Let's pick something we couldn't possibly disagree on.
那个为癌症研究筹集资金的小家伙呢？
What about that wee guy that raised all the money for cancer research?
他自己得了癌症，赚了几百万英镑，
He had cancer himself, raised millions of pounds,
所以我们都这么认为，我们都认为这是英雄。
so we all think the same, we all think that's heroic.
让我们试着换个角度看。
Let's try to look at it another way.
癌症研究是在动物身上进行的。
Cancer research gets done on animals.
那个小家伙就是那个该死的兔子希特勒。
That wee guy was the fucking rabbit Hitler.
我们做癌症研究已经有几十年了，
We've been doing cancer research for decades,
我们花了数亿英镑，
we've spent hundreds of millions of pounds,
也许我们应该停下来。
maybe we should stop.
也许我们应该停下来用这笔钱建一个巨大的滑水公园
Maybe we should stop and use the money to build a giant waterslide park
对于癌症患者。
for people with cancer.
像他妈的城市那么大的水上乐园，
A giant waterslide park the size of a fucking city,
只有得了癌症才能进去。
and you only get in if you've got cancer.
在诊断日医生会说，
And on diagnosis day the doctor will say,
“好吧，我有好消息和坏消息。
"Well, I've got good news and bad news.
“好消息是，你不知道你在没有头发的水槽里走得有多快。”
"The good news is you've no idea how fast you go down a flume with no hair."
因为慈善会是一种恩惠，不是吗？
'Cause charity can be patronising, can't it?
给一个人一条鱼，他就可以吃一天。
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
给他一根鱼竿，他就能养活自己了。
Give him a fishing rod, and he can feed himself.
或者，不要毒害渔业，
Alternatively, don't poison the fishing waters,
诱拐他的曾祖父母成为奴隶，
abduct his great-grandparents into slavery,
400年后在你他妈的空档年出现
then turn up 400 years later in your fucking gap year
说了很多关于鱼的废话。
talking a lot of shite about fish.
慈善忽略了文化差异，不是吗？
Charity ignores cultural difference, doesn't it?
“哦，这些人每天要走一个小时才能找到水。”
"Oh, these people have to walk an hour every day just to find water."
也许是文化原因。
Maybe it's cultural.
也许有些人每天步行一小时寻找水源。
Maybe some people walk an hour every day to find water.
格拉斯哥人开车四十英里去买克莉丝比·克莱姆甜甜圈。
Glaswegians drive forty miles to get Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
喜剧救济，谁禁止我。。。
Comic Relief, who banned me...
喜剧救济禁止我继续说，“我很惊讶来到这里，
Comic Relief banned me just for going on and saying, "I'm surprised to be here,
“我想只有这样我才能回到英国广播公司
"I thought the only way I'd get back on the BBC
“如果我开始和孩子们上床就好了。”
"would be if I started fucking kids."
今年的喜剧救济为马拉维和乌干达筹集了资金，
Comic Relief this year raised money for Malawi and Uganda,
马拉维和乌干达的殖民国家是英国，
the colonial power in Malawi and Uganda was Britain,
喜剧救济是我们说的，
and Comic Relief is us saying,
“孩子们，谢谢你们给我这么多金子！谢谢你的钻石！
"Thanks for all the gold, boys! Thanks for all the diamonds!
“我们给你买了一根鱼竿。”
"We've had a whip-round and bought you a fishing rod."
我也讨厌这些“空档年”的悲伤游客。
I hate these gap-year fucking grief tourists, as well.
“哦，我们在那边都很努力。
"Oh, we all worked so hard over there.
“我们在那个村子里都很努力。”
"We all worked so hard in that village."
不，你没有。你每天花一半时间
No, you didn't. You spent half of every day
想办法把打包好的午餐藏起来。
working out how to hide your packed lunch.
我真的希望那些圣战新娘回来
I actually hope those jihadi brides come back
这样他们就能把大学里每个人的空档年故事都编出来。
just so they can one-up everybody's gap year stories at uni.
“没什么，辛西娅。我花了九个月的时间从头骨里吃鹰嘴豆泥。”
"That's nothing, Cynthia. I spent the last nine months eating hummus out of a skull."
下一个笑话是我最喜欢的一个在阿波罗号现场被删掉的笑话。
This next joke is my favourite joke that was cut out of Live at the Apollo.
现在中东正处于一个糟糕的时期。
Terrible times in the Middle East, at the minute.
中东的情况很糟糕，
Things are so bad in the Middle East,
色情明星们开始提到他们的公共安排
that porn stars have started referring to their pubic arrangement
作为加沙地带。
as a Gaza strip.
一个受到如此残酷打击的地区
An area that's been so brutally pummelled
没有一个孩子希望活着爬出来。
that no child could ever hope to crawl out alive.
我是说，我希望我生活在一个道德的世界里，那个笑话没有意义，
I mean, I wish I lived in a moral world where that joke didn't make sense,
但我没有，是吗？
but I don't, do I?
当加沙遭到袭击时我们被告知哈马斯正在使用人盾，
We were told when Gaza got attacked that Hamas were using human shields,
他们没有。
and they weren't.
人类几乎从不被用作盾牌，
Humans almost never get used as shields,
因为人类制造了非常糟糕的盾牌。
'cause humans make really bad shields.
人类制造了如此糟糕的盾牌，以至于人类被迫发明了盾牌。
Human make such bad shields, that humans were forced to invent the shield.
以色列称之为“精确轰炸”。
"Precision bombing," those raids were called by the Israelis.
它看起来和一个腭裂男人的口交一样精确。
It looked about as precise as a blowjob from a guy with a cleft palate.
你很享受吗，伙计？你喜欢吗？
You're enjoying it, mate? Are you enjoying it?
你喜欢吗，伙计？
You enjoying it, mate?
安静点，孩子。我们在上议院下面。
Quiet, boy. We're underneath the House of Lords.
听，听。听，听。
Hear, hear. Hear, hear.
我认为苏格兰没有获得独立是很悲哀的
I thought it was sad that Scotland didn't get independence
因为，你知道，我在英国住了几年，
'cause, you know, I lived in England for a few years,
但我想我还是通过了苏格兰式的考验，
but I think I still pass the test of full Scottishness, in that,
我能听到板球得分，完全不知道谁赢了。
I can hear a cricket score and have absolutely no idea who won.
我们是。。。我们是独一无二的民族，不是吗？
And we're a... We're a unique people, aren't we?
世界上唯一一个提供旅游评论的国家
The only country in the world where people give travel reviews
完全是酒精价格。
entirely in alcohol prices.
“布拉格怎么样？”
"How was Prague?"
“怎么样？每升伏特加1.30英镑。
"How was it? £1.30 for a litre of vodka.
“一品脱40便士。”
"And 40p a pint."
“有好的博物馆吗？”
"Are there nice museums?"
“很可能，是的。”
"Quite possibly, yes."
我想，不管接下来发生什么，重要的是我们要做点什么
I think, whatever happens next, it's important that we do something
英国人没有预料到的。
that the English aren't expecting.
让英格兰后来居上的东西。
Something to put England on the back foot.
他们最不希望的是我们组成一个伊斯兰哈里发国。
And the last thing that they're expecting is for us to form an Islamic Caliphate.
是。独立的苏格兰。
IS. Independent Scotland.
好吧，我们得学会如何更好地对待女人，
Okay, we might have to learn how to treat women slightly better,
但我们可以改变。
but we can change.
只是为了独立。
IS just went for independence.
他们不是在讨论货币联盟。
They weren't debating currency union.
“我们用什么换货币？”
"What will we use for currency?"
“记者。”“好主意。”
"Journalists." "Good idea."
作为一个国家，我们变得更加英语化了。
We have become more Anglicised as a country.
人们现在说“慢跑”。
People say things like, "jog on" now.
任何说“慢跑”的人都可以滚蛋。
Anyone who says "jog on" can fuck off.
我们不需要英语。
We don't need English stuff.
我们有自己的东西。
We've got our own stuff.
他们有格拉斯顿伯里，我们在公园里有T，
They've got Glastonbury, we've got T in the Park,
在那里人们总是被埋葬。
where people get Glastonburied all the time.
我们可以在独立后举行一次苏格兰返校节。想想看。
We could have had a Scottish homecoming after independence. Think about that.
站在边境上打着彩旗，
Standing at the border with bunting,
欢迎苏格兰侨民归来。
welcoming back the Scottish diaspora.
六个冠军球员，
Half a dozen championship footballers,
四万流浪汉，露露和圣经约翰。
40,000 tramps, Lulu and Bible John.
几年后，
A couple of years down the line,
我们也会有一个社会主义政府。
we'd have had some kind of socialist government, as well.
你不会选苏格兰纳粹党吧？
You're never going to elect a Scottish Nazi party, are you?
想想给每天抽120支烟的人加油有多困难。
Think how difficult it'd be to gas people who smoke 120 fags a day.
斯科特莱尔永远不会让我们准时到达营地。
ScotRail would never get us to the fucking camps on time.
我很喜欢。。。
I quite liked...
你还记得吗。。。
Do you remember that...
在林赛外面的某个地方每个人都快饿死了。
Everyone's starving to death somewhere outside Lindsey.
苏格兰大屠杀。
The Scottish Holocaust.
你记得那个主意吗，你记得那个主意吗
Do you remember the idea, do you remember the idea
大选后，苏格兰民族党将拥有权力平衡，
that after the general election, the SNP would have the balance of power,
所以任何时候有人想做任何事或通过法律，
so any time anybody wanted to do anything or pass a law,
他们会和苏格兰人吵架吗？
they'd have to have an argument with a Scottish person?
“哦，你很擅长这场争论。”
"Ooh, you're very good at this arguing business."
“我不是谈判小组的一员。
"I'm not part of the negotiating team.
“我是来帮你点酒的。”
"I'm just here to take your drinks order."
“哦！我可以喝杯茶吗？”
"Oh! Could I have a cup of tea?"
“不！”
"No!"
所以，我们没有一个独立的国家，
So, we didn't get an independent country,
我们有一个该死的苏格兰医生，就是这个。
we got a fucking Scottish Doctor Who, that was about it.
谁医生。
Doctor Who.
当然，他是典型的苏格兰人。
Doctor Who, of course, is the archetypal Scottish character.
一个老人，拿着一把螺丝刀，把年轻妇女拖进一个电话亭。
An old man, armed with a screwdriver, dragging young women into a phone box.
“我要带你回到70年代。”
"I'm taking you back to the 1970s."
这是个消极的地方，苏格兰。没有。
It's a negative place, Scotland. Negative.
如果坎耶出生在格拉斯哥，他会被称为“不，你不能”。
If Kanye had been born in Glasgow, he'd be called No You Cannae.
人们在冬天也会发牢骚，不是吗？
People moan like fuck in the winter, as well, don't they?
冬季呻吟的主题是，
The main theme of winter moaning is,
“为什么交通工具不能正常通过三英尺深的积雪？”
"Why isn't transport running normally through three feet of fucking snow?"
“为什么这架飞机不在雪地里飞行呢？”
"Why isn't this plane moving through the snow?"
你真正想要的是飞行员从对讲机里出来，
What you really want is for the pilot to come over the intercom and go,
“我听说起飞不安全，
"Well, I've been told that it's not safe to take off,
“但我想，去他妈的，我们试试吧。”
"but I thought, fuck it, let's give it a go."
我不飞，我自己，
I don't fly, myself,
但我想现在每个人都在搜索飞行员的声音
but I assume everybody now searches the pilot's voice
在对讲机上，寻找抑郁的迹象。
on the intercom, looking for a hint of depression.
“我们在那里经历了一点颠簸。
"We went through a little bit of turbulence there.
“在我的婚姻里。”
"In my marriage."
那个飞行员刚刚被告知他在路上有个孩子。
That pilot had just been told he had a baby on the way.
所以在很多方面，他做了正确的事情。向那个婊子致敬。
So in many ways, he did the right thing. Hats off to the cunt.
我真的不这么认为。我不这么认为。
I don't really think that. I don't think that.
我有，我自己也有孩子。
I do, I've got kids, myself.
我觉得他操他的飞机是对的
And I think he was right to fuck his plane
直接进入滑雪场。
right into a ski resort.
我不这么认为。谁会这么想？
I don't think that. Who would think that?
但我觉得很有趣。
But I do think it was funny.
我觉得很有趣的是他的女朋友一定是挂断电话走了，
I do think it was funny that at some point his girlfriend must have hung up and gone,
“我觉得他接受得很好。”
"I think he took that quite well."
看，这就是为什么我要停止演喜剧。
See, that's just why I need to stop doing comedy.
你甚至不能对你不再思考的事情讲笑话。
You can't even tell jokes about things that you don't think any more.
如果我去参观，第一次面试的第一个问题是，
If I did a tour, the first question in the first interview would be,
“那么，那些被你的笑话冒犯的人呢？
"So, what about all the people that are offended by your jokes?
“你考虑过吗？”
"Have you taken that into consideration?"
当本和杰瑞推出新冰淇淋时，
When Ben and Jerry launch new ice cream,
他们不会对他们说，“那么，那些不喜欢冰淇淋的人呢？
they don't say to them, "So, what about all the people that don't like ice cream?
“那些觉得有点冷的人呢？
"What about the people who consider it to be a bit cold?
“这里面有花生。有些人对花生过敏。”
"This has peanuts in it. Some people are allergic to peanuts."
把他妈的勺子放下，你个婊子！
Put the fucking spoon down, you cunt!
不要。。。
Don't...
别跟别人开玩笑。
Don't ever argue with a joke.
这就像告诉小丑他的车不会通过它的马达。
It's like telling a clown that his car isn't gonna pass its MOT.
我不能为普通人写笑话。
I can't write jokes for the average person.
一般人都他妈的是中国人。
The average person is fucking Chinese.
还有，要有点信任。我是个专业的喜剧演员，对吧？
Also, have a bit of trust. I'm a professional comedian, right?
开玩笑是有道理的。
There's a point to the jokes.
我没停过我开的车
I've not stopped the bus I've been driving
跳出来给你讲个笑话。
to jump out and try and tell you a fucking joke.
有点信任。
Have a bit of trust.
你知道当有人被冒犯时是什么感觉吗？
Do you know what it feels like when someone gets offended?
感觉我是个妇科医生
It feels like I'm a gynaecologist
有人尖叫我碰了她的阴道。
and someone's screaming that I've touched her vagina.
我不是说在某个时候我不会触及懒惰的成见。
I'm not saying that at some point I won't have touched on lazy stereotypes.
我肯定我开过玩笑
I'm sure I've done jokes about
威尔士人是摇羊人之类的。
Welsh people being sheep shaggers or something.
还记得那种刻板印象吗？威尔士人喜欢放羊。
Remember that stereotype? Welsh people shag sheep.
在那家伙出现之前。
Before that guy from the Lostprophets came along.
“大家别担心。他们不会再叫我们摇羊人了。
"Don't worry, everybody. They won't be calling us sheep-shaggers much longer.
“我要澄清这个误解。”
"I'm going to clear this misconception up."
还有，别过来跟我说你的笑话，好吗？
Also, don't come up to me and tell me your jokes, okay?
你认为人们会去找哈里·胡迪尼吗
Do you think people went up to Harry Houdini
接着说，“抓住你的鼻子，胡迪尼先生！
and went, "Got your nose, Mr Houdini!
“哦，它去哪儿了？”滚开！
"Oh, where did it go?" Fuck off!
我讨厌消费主义，麦莉·赛勒斯和贾斯汀·比伯。
I hate consumerism, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber.
她看起来很阳刚。
She looks masculine.
你注意到她看起来很阳刚而他看起来很阴柔吗？
Have you noticed that she looks masculine and he looks feminine?
她看起来很。。。相当能干的出租男孩。
She looks like quite a... Quite a doable rent boy.
别生气，伙计。
No offence, mate.
比伯看起来有点像成年的马德琳·麦肯
Bieber sort of looks like grown-up Madeleine McCann
匿名变装。
cross-dressing for anonymity.
为什么？她还活着！
Why? She's still alive in that joke!
那是个充满希望的笑话！
That's a joke filled with hope!
我喜欢我们举办的这些小型消费糖节。
I like these wee consumer sugar festivals we have.
母亲节。
Mother's Day.
抱歉弄坏了你的阴道，妈妈，有一盒牛奶盘。
Sorry for ruining your vagina, Mom, there's a box of Milk Tray.
情人节，庆祝四个字母的单词
Valentine's, celebrating the four-letter word
让我们团结在一起。
that keeps us all together.
恐惧。
Fear.
当然，我是在开玩笑。
I'm joking, of course.
艾滋病。
AIDS.
如果你对今晚的节目感到不快，
If you feel offended by anything in this show tonight,
用手机发微博表达你的愤怒
feel free to tweet your outrage on a mobile phone
一个10岁的孩子在中国做的。
made by a 10-year-old in China.
因为这就是圣诞老人一年中其他364天的工作。
'Cause that's what Santa Claus does the other 364 days a year.
他环游世界，
He flies around the world,
向所有要做礼物的孩子道歉。
apologising to all the children that actually have to make the presents.
“很抱歉，何华玲。
"Sorry about that, Wa Ling Ho.
“那么，茶歇结束了。回去工作吧，孩子。”
"So, tea break's over. Back to work, son."
人们说史蒂夫·乔布斯死得太快了。
People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.
但我认为这是他公司对待电池寿命态度的恰当比喻。
But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude to battery life.
我真的希望他们把他埋了
I honestly hope that they buried him
在棺材里，盖子上有他妈的大裂缝。
in a coffin with a great big fucking crack on the lid.
你知道苹果公司让我对他们的电池寿命做了什么吗？
Do you know what Apple have got me doing with their battery life?
他们让我去餐馆和咖啡馆
They've got me scouring restaurants and cafes
寻找电点
looking for an electricity point
就像一个有着三针阴茎的强奸犯。
like a rapist with a three-pin penis.
不过，推特很好，不是吗？
Twitter's good, though, isn't it?
在推特出现之前，如果我想让一个陌生人叫我婊子，
Before Twitter came along, if I wanted a stranger to call me a cunt,
我得出去散散步。
I had to go out for a walk.
一位老太太在推特上告诉我。。。这是真的，好吗？
An old woman tweeted me... This is true, all right?
一位老太太在推特上告诉我：“我希望你的狗死了，贱人。”
An old woman tweeted me and went, "I hope your dog dies, cunt."
已经是凌晨1点了，我还没睡，就走了，
It was 1:00 in the morning and I was still up, so I went,
“我希望你的婊子死了，狗。”
"I hope your cunt dies, dog."
因为任何人都可以在推特上玩恶作剧，不是吗？
'Cause anyone can troll on Twitter, can't they?
我很佩服那些在Facebook上这么做的人，
I admire the people that do it on Facebook,
每个人都能看到你有两个丑陋的孩子和一个该死的厨房。
where everyone can see that you've got two ugly kids and a shit kitchen.
我喜欢人们在社交媒体上的那些小传，
I like those wee biogs people have on social media,
他们把一生中最平庸、最令人沮丧的总结放在那里。
where they put the most banal, depressing summation of their life.
“喝茶的人。”
"Tea drinker."
我喜欢喝几杯茶。
I like to drink cups of tea.
简而言之，就是我。
That's me in a nutshell, that is.
“美食家。”我吃东西。
"Foodie." I eat food.
我想在其中一个盒子里装一个诚实的口吻。
I want a burst of honesty in one of those boxes.
“我是在这种暴力的气氛中长大的
"I was brought up in an atmosphere of such violence
“我永远不会真正爱任何人。”
"that I could never truly love anyone."
“我拒绝了唯一爱我的人，
"The only person that loved me I rejected,
在随后的精神崩溃中，我怀上了一个疯子。”
and during my ensuing mental breakdown, I got a nutcase pregnant."
“我也喝茶。”
"I also drink tea."
人们真的会被社交媒体上的笑话冒犯，嗯？
People get really offended by jokes on social media, eh?
即使这只是一个关于舒马赫的小玩笑
Even if it's just a wee light-hearted joke about Michael Schumacher
昏迷什么的。
going into coma or something.
我逐渐锻炼
I gradually worked out
人们因为听不懂笑话而生气。
people are offended because they don't understand the jokes.
我从小就想把事情变成笑话
I grew up thinking that turning something into a joke
是一种向人们解释的方式。
was a way of explaining it to people.
随着年龄的增长，我意识到，
And as I've got older, I've realised,
把某事变成笑话实际上是编纂信息的一种方式
turning something into a joke is actually a way of codifying information
只有少数人能理解。
so that only a few people understand it.
不知道你是否记得，
Don't know if you remember,
但当舒马赫陷入昏迷时，
but when Michael Schumacher went into a coma,
我发微博有点伤心，
I got a bit of grief for tweeting,
“唯一的希望是一夜之间
"The only hope is that overnight
“迈克尔·舒马赫的大脑将被精灵修复。”
"Michael Schumacher's brain will be repaired by elves."
其实是个很轻松的精灵和鞋匠。
It was actually a very light-hearted Elves and the Shoemaker.
他们在谈论降低学校附近的速度限制，
They're talking about reducing speed limits near schools,
我觉得这是个很棒的主意。
and I think that's a fantastic idea.
因为只有在学校附近以正确的速度开车的人
'Cause the only people who drive at the correct speed near schools
是恋童癖者。
are paedophiles.
那只是因为他们是一个人干的。
And that's only because they're doing it one-handed.
我自己也有孩子。
I've got kids myself.
人们说有孩子会给你的生活带来很多快乐。
People say that having kids brings a lot of joy into your life.
这是真的。如果没有我的孩子，我就不会每晚都出去，
And it's true. Without my kids, I wouldn't have been out every night,
认识了我的女朋友和他们的妈妈离婚了。
met my girlfriend and divorced their mum.
人们说当你告诉你的孩子们离开的时候，
People say it's better that when you're telling your kids off,
试着保持积极。
try and stay positive.
别吓唬他们。我认为这是个很好的建议。
Don't brow beat them. I think that's a great piece of advice.
但有时我站在那里想，
But sometimes I'm standing there thinking,
“我看不出有什么积极的方面。
"I don't see anything positive about this.
“你在我的地毯上有碎屑。
"You have shat on my rug.
“我正在努力寻找有利条件。”
"And I'm struggling to find an upside."
我儿子还很小，所以很难惩罚他。
My son's still quite wee, so it's difficult to punish him.
我做的是把他的被褥塞得很紧很紧
What I do is I tuck his bedclothes in really, really tight
希望他做噩梦，被困在巨人的口袋里。
and hope he has a nightmare where he's trapped in a giant's pocket.
如果那不管用，我会打断他的。
If that doesn't work, I'm gonna cut the breaks in his Heelys.
我父亲节的孩子们让我明白了，
My kids for Father's Day got me that thing,
薄荷茶树沐浴露。
mint tea tree shower gel.
没人警告过我！
No one had warned me about that!
我以为我的屁眼会放声歌唱。
I thought that my arsehole was gonna burst into song.
有些经历只有当爸爸才能体会到。
There are experiences that you only get as a dad.
如果你不是爸爸，你就永远不会被愤怒的人抓住。
If you're not a dad, you'll never be caught having a wank by a Furby.
事实上，我的孩子都很大。
My kids are both at a great age, actually.
他们都在一个他们认为
They're both at an age where they think
在街上对我大喊大叫的人一定是某种粉丝。
that anyone that shouts at me in the street must be some kind of fan.
“看，又是一个粉丝！”
"Look, it's another fan!"
“就是这样。快点，上出租车。
"So it is. Quick, into the taxi.
“趁风扇还没赶上我们，就上了出租车！”
"Into the taxi before the fan catches up with us!"
一个威尔士人在橘子街散步。
It's a Welsh guy who's in the Orange Walk.
那他妈的有什么机会？
What are the fucking chances of that?
人们说伦敦人不友好，
People say that Londoners are unfriendly,
但是圣战约翰真的提高了门槛，不是吗？
but Jihadi John has really raised the fucking bar, hasn't he?
你知道我喜欢圣战约翰吗？
Do you know what I love about Jihadi John?
我喜欢他打扮成忍者
I love the fact that he dresses up as a ninja
试着让自己看起来更可怕。
to try and look scarier.
不会更可怕的，伙计。
It's not gonna get a lot scarier, mate.
如果他穿曼金尼的话。
Maybe if he wore a mankini.
可能会更险恶，
It would, sort of, be more sinister,
因为那会让人觉得像个一夜情的雄鹿。
'cause it would have the air of a stag night that'd gone tits up.
我想，难道我们不能更了解对方吗？
I think, couldn't we understand each other more?
我们不能试着多爱对方一点吗？
Couldn't we try and love each other a bit more?
你认识穆斯林多久了？
How long have you known what a Muslim is?
对我来说，大概是20年。
For me, that's about 20 years.
如果20年前有人告诉我他们被允诺过72个处女，
If somebody had told me 20 years ago that they'd been promised 72 virgins,
我以为他们在英国广播公司有一份介绍工作。
I'd have assumed that they'd got a presenting job at the BBC.
一个被英国广播公司删掉的笑话。
A joke which was cut out on the BBC.
我真的把这些事情归咎于美国的外交政策。
I honestly blame American foreign policy for a lot of that stuff.
美国的外交政策是可怕的
American foreign policy is horrendous
因为美国不仅会来到你的国家杀了你所有的人，
'cause not only will America come to your country and kill all your people,
但更糟糕的是，我想，他们20年后会回来
but what's worse, I think, is that they'll come back 20 years later
拍一部关于杀人的电影
and make a movie about how killing your people
使他们的士兵感到悲伤。
made their soldiers feel sad.
美国人拍一部关于越南对他们的士兵所做的事的电影
Americans making a movie about what Vietnam did to their soldiers
就像一个连环杀手告诉你搭便车的人突然停下来
is like a serial killer telling you what stopping suddenly for hitchhikers
他的离合器坏了。
did to his clutch.
我真的不会惊讶100年前，
I honestly wouldn't be surprised to learn that 100 years ago,
美国给了世界其他国家一个安全的词
America gave the rest of the world a safe word
我们只是忘记了它是什么。
and we've just forgotten what it is.
或者我们说错了。
Or maybe we're pronouncing it wrong.
铝。我以为是铝的。
Aluminium. I thought it was aluminium.
美国现在有一支雇佣军。你知道这件事吗？
America have a mercenary army now. Do you know about this?
越战结束后，
After the Vietnam War,
你不能再征兵了，他们都疯了。
you couldn't conscript people any more, they all went mental.
所以你不得不转向雇佣兵模式，英国也这么做了。
So you had to move to a mercenary model, and Britain did the same.
这就是为什么你不再有战争诗人了。
That's why you don't get war poets any more.
想象一下现在的战争诗人会是什么样子。
Imagine what a war poet'd be like now.
“有个小男孩没能上学，表现得有点傻。
"There was a young boy who failed school, Acted a bit of a fool.
“去了伊拉克，抽了很多大麻
"Went out to Iraq, Smoked a whole lot of crack
“他的腿最后在喀布尔。”
"And his legs ended up in Kabul."
我不是泛泛而谈
I'm not generalising there
顺便说一句，士兵都很愚蠢。
and saying that soldiers are all stupid, by the way.
我不这么认为，我不概括。
I don't think that, I don't generalise.
希特勒是个素食主义者。
Hitler was a vegetarian.
我不会泛泛地说纳粹都是婊子。
I'm not gonna generalise and say that all Nazis are cunts.
这是一个奇怪的社会，英国，不是吗？
It's a strange society, Britain, isn't it?
你16岁就可以做爱，18岁才能看色情片，
You can have sex at 16, you have to be 18 to watch porn,
你可以在16岁参军，你必须在18岁的时候买服役证。
you can join the army at 16, you have to be 18 to buy Call Of Duty.
你可以在16点登记投票，
You can register to vote at 16,
但你必须年满18岁才能让政客们不再觉得你有吸引力。
but you have to be 18 before politicians stop finding you attractive.
我决定问问自己，
And I decided to ask myself,
“他们是如何造就英国精英的？”
"How did they create the British Elites?"
现在，我得警告你，
Now, I have to warn you,
这是一个非常严峻和令人沮丧的地方。
this routine goes to a really grim and depressing place.
我会试着在事后做些快乐的事。
I'll try and do something afterwards that's jolly and happy.
我在撒谎，但我想给你希望。
I'm lying, but I'm trying to give you hope.
他们是如何造就英国精英的？
How did they create the British Elites?
鲍里斯·约翰逊，一个患有老年痴呆症的又大又有弹性的城堡。
Boris Johnson, a great big fucking bouncy castle with Alzheimer's.
一个很大的发疯蒲公英。
A great big pissed-up dandelion.
他们是怎么造就他的？
How did they make him?
他们做了斯巴达人做的同样的事。
Well, they did the same thing the Spartans did.
他们把你从家里带走，七八岁，
They take you away from your family, age seven or eight,
他们把你放在一个单一的性环境中，
they put you in a single-sex environment,
然后他们做任何精神控制手术，
then they do what any mind-control operation does,
他们用拉丁语使你厌烦
they bore you with Latin
蟋蟀和双拉丁语，然后突然，鸡奸。
and cricket and double Latin and then very suddenly, sodomy.
鲍里斯·约翰逊把那个边缘演变成了一种临时的盾牌。
Boris Johnson evolved that fringe as a kind of makeshift cum shield.
我不认为那是关于鲍里斯·约翰逊的，对吧。
I don't think that, literally, about Boris Johnson, right.
我是在比喻。
I'm being metaphorical.
但我认为，
But I do think,
英国的公立学校制度造就了世界上最糟糕的人。
the English public school system creates the worst people in the world.
我们的精英是世界上唯一的人
Our elites are the only people in the world
嫉妒孤儿的人。
that feel jealous of orphans.
这就是为什么他们总是在孩子们的家里干孩子，
That's why they always fuck kids from children's homes,
因为他们嫉妒孤儿。
'cause they feel jealous of orphans.
即使他们在操他们，
And even as they're fucking them,
他们说，“至少，你父母死了。
they say, "At least, your parents died.
“我只是想多去滑雪。”
"Mine just wanted to go skiing more."
也没有结束。
It's not over yet, either.
然后我想，也许比这更糟。
Then I thought, maybe it's worse than that.
也许他们故意削减社会开支
Maybe they deliberately cut social spending
攻击社会工作者之类的组织，
and attack groups like social workers,
所以总有很多孤儿让他们去他妈的！
so that there are always plenty of orphans for them to fuck!
也许英国的精英们不只是贪婪和贪婪，
Maybe the British Elites aren't just greedy and venal,
也许是手眼睛牙齿
maybe they're the hands and eyes and teeth
一个巨大的恋童癖怪物。
of a giant paedophilic monster.
唯一一次怪物感到生活中的快乐
And the only time that monster feels any joy in life
他妈的孩子这么小的时候
is when it's fucking children so young
他们唯一能想到的办法就是保护自己免受强奸
that the only way they can think to defend themselves from rape
就是喊“驱逐兵”。
is to shout "Expelliarmus".
看，我们最后成了一个小哈利波特的笑话。
See, we've ended up in a wee Harry Potter joke in the end.
如果你不喜欢的话，我想迈克尔·麦克恩蒂尔下个月会来。
If you didn't like that bit, I think Michael Mclntyre's in town next month.
前几天晚上我看了迈克尔·麦金提尔。
I watched Michael Mclntyre the other night.
你知道，他对那些底部很重的沙滩伞做了点什么？
He does a bit about, you know, those beach umbrellas with the heavy base?
他说，“哦，这些有多重？”他，他模仿
He goes, "Oh, how heavy are those?" and he, he mimes out
想把它移到他的太阳床上。
trying to move it over to his sun bed.
我看着它，想，
And I'm watching it, thinking,
“你他妈的别动伞。”
"You don't move the fucking umbrella."
所以才这么重。你把床挪开
That's why it's so heavy. You move the bed
在伞下。
under the umbrella.
他的粉丝们都在撒尿，我就坐在那里想，
And his fans are pissing themselves, and I'm just sitting there, thinking,
“他们还不知道什么？”
"What else don't they know?"
你好吗，伙计？你他妈的想冲出去，伙计。
How are you doing, buddy? You tried to fucking break out there, mate.
它没用，你这个婊子！
It didn't work, you cunt!
门口有保安，你被困在这里！
There's security at the door and you're fucking trapped in here!
如果有火，我就坐在你的胸口上，你这个婊子。
And if there's a fire, I'm gonna sit on your fucking chest, you cunt.
因为在一件棘手的材料上
For getting up at quite a tricky piece of material
像只该死的约克郡猎犬一样抓着门。
and pawing at the door like a fucking Yorkshire terrier.
你他妈的，卑鄙的婊子。
You fucking, despicable cunt.
好吧，好吧，你努力了，你的衣服和头发，
Okay, okay, you've made an effort, with your dress and hair,
但这就像把26英寸的轮圈放在一个该死的垃圾桶上。
but it's like putting 26-inch rims on a fucking wheelie bin.
你没有灵魂！
You have no soul!
我真的希望你的屁股里有癌症。
I honestly hope that you get cancer quite deep up your arse.
希望能治好。试试放射疗法或者别的什么。
I hope it gets cured. Try radiotherapy or whatever.
几年后，一个戴着滑雪面具的人拉着你
And then a few years later, a guy in a ski mask pulls you
到巷子里强奸你。
into an alley and rapes you.
当强奸犯说你的屁眼有多紧的时候，
And as the rapist comments on how tight your asshole is,
你突然意识到癌症又回来了。
you suddenly realise that the cancer has come back.
你错过了关于英国公立学校制度的例行程序。
You missed the routine about the English public school system.
苏格兰综合体系
The Scottish comprehensive system
老实说，也会造成相当大的损害。
does quite a bit of damage as well, to be honest.
这是个比喻，例行公事，但其中有一点道理。
It's metaphorical, that routine, but there's a grain of truth in it.
因为公立学校系统鼓励反社会的特质。
'Cause the public school system encourages sociopathic traits.
这是一个给残疾人写信的政府，
This is a government that was sending disabled people letters,
告诉他们他们适合工作
telling them that they were fit for work
当他们死的时候。
when they were fucking dead.
“我们认为你会做一个出色的排风器。
"We think you'd make a brilliant draught excluder.
“作为一个减速带，你的前程似锦。”
"You have a brilliant future ahead of you as a speed bump."
这是一位总理去斯里兰卡告发他们
This is a prime minister that went to Sri Lanka and told them off
因为他们用武器侵犯人权，我们把他们卖了。
for human rights abuses they committed with weapons we sold them.
就像罗纳德·麦克唐纳说你是个胖子一样。
Like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.
我们需要更多地参与政治，伙计。
We need to engage more with politics, man.
大多数苏格兰人认为
Most Scottish people think that
北约只是一个昵称，你给一个谁失去了他们的脚糖尿病。
NATO is just a nickname you give to a guy who lost their foot to diabetes.
这个穴居人到底怎么了？
What the fuck is going on with this caveman?
我认为其他所有扮演公民角色的人
I think everyone else that plays the Citizen's gets the people
他妈的经常来看戏
that fucking usually come to the theatre
我只是清空了高层公寓。
and I just empty the high flats.
我真的不会有别的办法。
I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
我喜欢在戈巴尔打球。
I love playing at Gorbals.
见到女人真好
It's great to see women
他去了一个他妈的晒太阳的地方，要阴凉处的“万帕·鲁姆帕”。
who've gone in a fucking sunbed place and asked for the shade "oompa-loompa".
如果约翰·韦恩插手我一点也不奇怪
I honestly wouldn't be surprised if John Wayne stepped in
用他妈的步枪把你打死。
and shot you dead with a fucking rifle.
可以。
Okay.
我会尽量做点更愉快的事。
I'll try and do something a wee bit more cheerful.
如果你那该死的后牙在上浮，
If your fucking back teeth are floating,
还有10，15分钟。大概10分钟吧。
there's about 10, 15 minutes left. 10 minutes probably.
为了你我会走得更快的，你这个婊子。
I'll go quicker just for you, you cunt.
好吧，我试着做点更愉快的事。
Okay, I'll try to do something a bit more cheerful.
休斯敦大学。。。
Uh...
前几天晚上看了一部关于中风幸存者的纪录片。
Watched a documentary on stroke survivors the other night.
有点片面。
A bit one-sided.
你看到那个每天喝10升可乐而死的女人了吗？
Did you see that woman that died after drinking 10 litres of Coke a day?
她吃了一包薄荷糖，他们在三英里外发现了她的头。
She ate a packet of Mentos and they found her head three miles away.
皮尔斯·摩根说女人通过邮局给他送内裤。
Piers Morgan says that women send him knickers through the post.
大概是说，“从一个女人到另一个女人”
Presumably with the message, "From one cunt to another."
这是一种性别歧视，不是吗？
That's a kind of sexist thing, isn't it?
男人有多丑，还能上电视。
How ugly men can be and still get on television.
阿兰·苏格看起来像是被人从肚脐上弄干净了。
Alan Sugar looks like he's been cleaned out of someone's bellybutton.
他看起来像特雷莎修女的膝盖。
He looks like Mother Teresa's knee.
杰里米·克拉克森到最后也有点像那样，不是吗？
Jeremy Clarkson went a bit like that towards the end, didn't he?
有点，有点，折纸大象阴道。
A bit, kind of, origami elephant vagina.
想象一下打你的制作人
Imagine punching your producer
当理查德·哈蒙德在他妈的大楼里的时候。
when Richard Hammond is in the fucking building.
好吧，笑话，笑话。
Okay, jokes, jokes.
你认为。。。
Do you reckon...
你认为如果你被懂手语的人指手画脚
Do you reckon if you got fingered by someone that knows sign language
就像阴道里有个木偶戏？
it's like having a puppet theatre in your vagina?
你可以跑，但不能躲
"You can run, but you can't hide,"
对患有哮喘的孩子来说是一件有趣的事。
is a funny thing to say to children with asthma.
哦，太多了？
Oh, that's too much?
哮喘是红线？
Asthma's a red line?
上议院里有个小家伙得了腭裂
There was a wee guy with a cleft palate being fucked under the House of Lords
40分钟前。
40 minutes ago.
哮喘太严重了。
Asthma's too much.
对不起，儿子，我没意识到你有哮喘。
Sorry, son, I didn't realise you had asthma.
我以为你喜欢。
I thought you were into it.
我认为我们生活在强奸文化中，我们生活在色情文化中。
I think we live in a rape culture, we live in a porn culture.
你在色情搜索引擎上看到的东西说，
Did you see that thing you get on porn search engines that says,
“将此作为您的主页。”
"Make this your home page."
是谁干的？
Who does that?
早上醒来的人，
Who wakes up in the morning,
面对一个48岁的女人被拳头打的镜头
is confronted with footage of a 48-year-old woman being fisted
想“我回家了”？
and thinks, "I'm home"?
人类是唯一看色情片的动物。
Humans are the only animals that watch porn.
除非你包括我的猫。
Unless you include my cat.
我觉得这是件很悲哀的事，真的，色情，
And I think it's quite a sad thing, really, porn,
因为它否认了性的真实性。
'cause it denies the reality of sex.
想想所有不在色情片中的性爱内容。
Think of all the stuff that's in sex that isn't in porn.
就像男人在得了cum之后会变得抑郁，几乎和得了cum一样。
Like the fact that men get depressed after they cum, almost as they cum.
上帝开的一个小玩笑。
A wee joke from God, that.
它从未进入嘉年华的书信页，是吗？
That never made its way into the letters page of Fiesta, did it?
“所以我从后面把她带走了，
"So I was taking her from behind,
“我把她翻过来，当我碰到她的脸时，
"and I flipped her over and as I came on her face,
“我突然意识到，其他人本质上是不可知的。”
"I suddenly realised that other people are essentially unknowable."
我认为这导致了男人对女人的性缺乏同情心。
And I think it's led to a lack of empathy from men about what sex is like for women.
我经常认为让别人进入你的身体一定更亲密。
I often think it must be more intimate to let someone inside your body.
我觉得让煤气工进走廊很尴尬。
I feel awkward just letting the gasman into the hallway.
顺便说一下，我完全支持女权主义。
I'm completely behind feminism, by the way.
它让潮流有点跳跃。
It gets bandwagon-jumped a bit.
你知道吗，路易丝·门奇或者其他人，“哦，我是个女权主义者。”
You know, Louise Mensch or someone, "Oh, I'm a feminist."
你他妈的是反选择。
You're fucking anti-choice.
如果你不认为女人应该控制自己的身体，
If you don't even think women should control their own body,
你在伟大的女权主义者名单上
you're on the list of great feminists
在泰德·邦迪和亨利国王之间。
in between Ted Bundy and King Henry the fucking Eighth.
所以，我要告诉你我发生的这件小事
So, I'm gonna tell you about this wee incident I had
当我想做一个关于强奸文化的例行公事的时候。
when I wanted do a routine about rape culture.
但在我告诉你之前，
But before I tell you about it,
我不是说，“别想强奸的事。”
I'm not saying here, "Don't think about the language around rape."
好好想想，这很重要。
Do think about it, it's important.
强奸犯被称为掠夺者，我想他们可能喜欢这样。
Rapists get called predators, I think they probably like that.
你不是捕食者，伙计。你他妈的是个拾荒者。
You're not a predator, mate. You're a fucking scavenger.
塞伦盖蒂雄狮不必在水坑里吸毒
The majestic lion of the Serengeti doesn't have to drug the watering hole
假装他妈的是一个小出租车司机。
and pretend to be a fucking minicab driver.
而且，我也陷入了性别歧视的体制。
And also, I'm trapped in the sexist system, too.
我是其中一员，对吧因为我在里面长大他妈的40年了。
I'm part of it, right? 'Cause I grew up in it for fucking 40 years.
我也被困住了。我可以看艾玛·沃森在联合国发表演讲
I'm trapped, too. I can watch Emma Watson give a speech to the UN
你认为这很聪明，很有力量，
and think that's brilliant, and that's empowering,
但我以后得去玩。
but I have to have a wank afterwards.
因为我也被困住了。我想做个例行公事，对吧，
'Cause I'm trapped, too. I wanted to do a routine, right,
关于强奸文化的阿波罗现场直播。
on Live at the Apollo about rape culture.
他们是很好的人，他们说，“我们喜欢这样的惯例。
And they're really good people and they said, "We love the routine.
“你就是不能在晚上那个时候在英国广播公司说强奸这个词。”
"You just can't say the word rape on the BBC at that time of night."
我想，作为人类，
And I think surely, as human beings,
我们应该能够破译这个词背后的意识形态。
we should be able to decode the ideology behind the word.
我可以训练狗听一个字就生气。
I can train a dog to get annoyed at a word.
罗孚，耶和华见证人。
Rover, Jehovah's Witnesses.
在我们了解事实之前
This is before we get to the fact
不同的词对不同的人意味着不同的东西。
that different words mean different things to different people.
你说快聊，我说斯皮德旺克。
You say Snapchat, I say speedwank.
还有一种叫做现象学。
Then there's a thing called phenomenology.
现象学意味着这个笑话不能在我嘴里发生。
Phenomenology means the joke can't take place in my mouth.
如果你仔细想想，它一定会发生在你的脑子里，不是吗？
If you think about it, it has to take place in your head, doesn't it?
这就是为什么它在你的头脑中往往更好，因为你添加了一些东西。
This is why it's often better in your head, 'cause you add stuff to it.
这件事最近在拜尔路发生在我身上。
This happened to me recently on Byers Road.
一个老人叫我帮他过马路。
An old guy asked me to help him cross the road.
他说，“帮我过马路，孩子。
He went, "Help me cross the road, son.
“我双耳都有艾滋病。”
"I've got aids in both ears."
现象学适用于一切。
Phenomenology works for everything.
我们都有自己的故事版本。
We've all got our own versions of stories.
对我来说，皮诺奇的故事实际上是关于格培多是恋童癖。
For me, the Pinocchio story is actually about Geppetto being a paedophile.
他独自一人住在森林里，突然，一个小男孩和他住在一起。
He lives on his own in the forest, then, suddenly, a wee boy lives with him.
他对他的伙伴们说，“别听他的。
And he says to his mates, "Don't listen to him.
“说谎。
"Tells lies.
“那是他脸上的清漆。”
"That's varnish on his face."
我也认为彼得潘和那些迷路的男孩是堕胎的灵魂。
I also think that Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are the souls of abortions.
胡克船长解释道。
Explains Captain Hook.
后来有一个故事我很久都不知道了。
Then there was a story that I couldn't work out for ages.
灰姑娘。很奇怪的故事。
Cinderella. Quite a strange story.
因为你觉得故事的高潮就在舞会上。
'Cause you think the climax of the story is gonna be at the ball.
她遇到了一个英俊的王子，他们相爱了，就这样。
She meets a handsome prince, they fall in love and that's it.
从此幸福。
Happily ever after.
相反，灰姑娘跑了。
Instead, Cinderella runs away.
我一直在想，“灰姑娘为什么跑了？”
I always thought, "Why does Cinderella run away?"
然后我就解决了。
And then I worked it out.
灰姑娘有个鸡巴。
Cinderella has a dick.
灰姑娘是个美丽的变性女人。
Cinderella is a beautiful transsexual woman.
这就是为什么丑陋的姐妹们让她做所有繁重的工作。
That's why the ugly sisters get her to do all the heavy work.
她天生就是个男子汉，
She was born as a guy,
但她是个漂亮的变性人。
but she's a beautiful transsexual woman.
她惊慌失措，认为英俊的王子不会插手此事。
She panics and thinks the handsome prince won't be into this.
但这个故事的美妙之处在于，英俊的王子知道
But the beauty of this story is, the handsome prince knows
他无论如何都爱她。
and he loves her anyway.
这就是为什么他得到了玻璃鞋，他说，
That's why he gets the glass slipper and he says,
“谁穿这只拖鞋，我就嫁给谁。”
"Whoever fits this slipper, I will marry."
他知道他会找到灰姑娘，
And he knows that he'll find Cinderella,
因为这是一只他妈的大拖鞋。
because it's a fucking massive slipper.
我在爱丁堡做的，一个在后面的家伙
I did that in Edinburgh, a guy right at the back
一清二楚，
clear as a bell went,
“灰姑娘跑了，因为她的马和马车
"Cinderella runs away because her horse and carriage
“就要变成南瓜和老鼠了。”
"is about to turn into a pumpkin and mouse."
我说，“是的，但那是对鸡和球的隐喻。”
And I said, "Yes, but that is a metaphor for the cock and balls."
我有一个最清楚的时刻想知道我他妈的在做什么
And I had the clearest moment of wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life
就像我说的。
as I said that.
对我来说，生活就是肉汁。
Life's sort of all gravy to me.
因为我有一段时间是个酒鬼，我以为我20多岁就死了。
'Cause I was an alcoholic for a bit and I thought I'd be dead in my mid-twenties.
所以一切都很好。
So it's all been pretty good.
就在我喝醉的最后一晚，我在旧金山。
The very last night I got drunk, I was in San Francisco.
现在是凌晨3点左右。这大概是16年前的事了。
It's about 3:00 in the morning. This is, like, 16 years ago.
我想回旅馆房间，但钥匙丢了。
I'm trying to get back into my hotel room, but I've lost the key.
所以我决定试着用信用卡打开旅馆的门。
So I decided I'd try to jimmy the hotel door open with a credit card.
因为你认为有一定程度的醉酒，
'Cause there's a certain level of drunkenness where you think,
“嘿，我可能是个间谍。”
"Hey, I might be a spy."
所以我这么做可能已经几个小时了，
So I was doing that for what might have been hours,
当一个男人走出隔壁卧室
when a guy walked out of the next bedroom
是个警察！
and it was a cop!
是个穿制服的美国警察。
It was an American-uniformed cop.
他看着我说：“你很幸运，我是脱衣舞娘。”
And he looked right at me and he went, "You are lucky that I'm a stripper."
我不知道我为什么这么说，但我去了，
And I don't know why I said this, but I went,
“很好。”因为我讨厌警察。”
"Good. 'Cause I fucking hate cops."
所以我才发现他不是脱衣舞娘。
And that is how I found out that he was not a stripper.
他是个有幽默感的警察。
He was a cop with a sense of humour.
后来发现，脾气也很暴躁。
And, as it later turned out, quite a temper as well.
但他告诉我我搞砸了的样子真是太棒了。
But the way he showed me how badly I'd fucked up was just brilliant.
他两手抓住裤子就这样走了。。。
He grabbed his trousers in both hands and went like this...
这条裤子哪儿也没穿。
The trousers went nowhere.
我不知道你有没有看过一个大个子
I don't know if you've ever watched a big man
希望他的裤子能脱掉。
hoping that his trousers come off.
但那会让你清醒。
But that will sober you up.
我也有好几年没讲那个故事了，因为我很惭愧。
I didn't tell that story for years either, 'cause I was ashamed.
人们会问我，“旧金山怎么样，弗兰基？”
People would say to me, "How was San Francisco, Frankie?"
我会说，“3.40英镑一品脱。”
And I'd go, "£3.40 a pint."
我认为我们被语言控制了。
I think that we get controlled by language.
我认为这是我们被宣传控制的部分原因。
I think that's partly how we're controlled by propaganda.
我们把语言看得太字面了。
We take language too literally.
你知道，我们把菜单错当成了饭菜。
You know, we mistake the menu for the meal.
任何时候，当你想从字面上理解语言的时候，想想
Anytime you're tempted to take language literally, have a think
关于母井有多好的育儿方式。
about how much good parenting goes on in Motherwell.
他们改变我们身上的词义来控制我们。
They change the meaning of words on us to control us.
你还记得在学校里“白日梦”这个词吗？
Do you remember at school the word "daydreaming"?
白日梦是对“思考”一词的重新命名。
Daydreaming was a rebrand of the word "thinking".
别做白日梦，别想。
Don't daydream, don't think.
然后他们想到了“压力”。
Then they came up with "stress".
压力是“不快乐”一词的重新命名。
Stress was a rebrand of the word "unhappiness".
因为不快乐，你会有办法的。
'Cause unhappiness, you'd have something to do about it.
压力，你只能忍受。
Stress, you just put up with.
你不会在烧烤会上遇到别人，“你好吗，约翰？”
You don't meet someone at a barbecue, "How are you doing, John?"
“哦，嗯，呃，工作很忙，所以我很不高兴
"Oh, well, uh, quite busy at work, so I'm quite unhappy
“圣诞节快到了。那我就更不高兴了。
"and getting busier towards Christmas. I'll be even more unhappy then.
“她有一个小宝宝在路上，所以一切都很不开心，
"She's got a little baby on the way, so it's all unhappy as fuck,
“如果我说实话的话。”
"if I'm being honest."
然后他们发现了创伤后应激障碍。
Then they came up with post-traumatic stress disorder.
创伤后应激障碍是他们想出的一个短语
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a phrase they came up with
描述一个士兵头脑中的脱节
to describe the disconnect in a soldier's mind
当他离开战场时
when he goes from a combat situation
回到异性恋。
back to having heterosexual sex.
想象一下。你在阿富汗，
Imagine it. You're out in Afghanistan,
你每晚都被一个像狼人一样的家伙操。
you're being fucked every night by a guy built like a werewolf.
你在地球上最美丽的地方之一，
You're in one of the most beautiful places on Earth,
星星在天空闪烁，
the stars are shining in the sky,
沙子烧焦了你的膝盖，
the sand is burning your knees,
你在告诉自己，
you're telling yourself,
“我不退后就不是同性恋。”
"It's not gay if I don't push back."
你做爱的强度，
And the intensity of your love-making,
感觉就像他的阴茎在你体内运动
it almost feels as if the dynamic power of his penis moving inside your body
是什么在星星本身的光的力量。
is what powers the light in the stars themselves.
你得把它忘了
You've got to leave that behind
回到你那半独立的房子
and go back to your semi-detached house
把你的妻子放在DFS沙发上
and finger your wife on a DFS sofa
在广告插播期间X因素。
during the ad breaks in The X Factor.
我的工作几乎没有希望了。
There's almost no hope in my work.
部分原因是我觉得希望被高估了。
And it's partly because I feel that hope is overrated.
我认为我们是非常谨慎的人的后代
I think we are the descendants of people who are very wary
对事情非常谨慎。
and very cautious about stuff.
“那边是豹吗？也许那是一只豹。”
"Is that a leopard over there? Maybe that's a leopard."
几乎没有进化上的优势，“也许它不是豹。
There's almost no evolutionary advantage to going, "Maybe it's not a leopard.
“我们都希望不是这样，嗯？”
"Let's all just really hope that it isn't, eh?"
那些人被豹子吃掉了。
Those people were eaten by leopards.
我不是说没有希望。
I'm not saying don't have hope.
如果你有梦想，如果你有抱负，请去实现它，
If you have a dream, if you have an ambition, please, go for it,
因为我喜欢看你这样的女人挣扎。
because I love to watch cunts like you struggle.
但我有时感觉有点不好，因为我是看着比尔·希克斯长大的。
But I feel a bit bad sometimes, 'cause I grew up watching Bill Hicks.
他是我最喜欢的喜剧演员。
He was my favourite comedian.
他可能是我参与其中的原因。
He's probably the reason I'm in it.
他可能仍然是我最喜欢的喜剧演员。他有那么多希望
He's still probably my favourite comedian. He had so much hope
即使在他临死前的最后一场演出中，
that even when he was dying, in his last show,
他做了一个很大的例行公事，“别担心，生活只是一次旅行。
he does a big routine about, "Don't worry, life is all just a ride.
“好好享受吧。这只是一次旅行。”
"Just try and enjoy it. It's all just a ride."
但是，我想，也许这只是一次旅行
But also, I think, maybe it's all just a ride
如果你是被允许上路的人之一。
if you're one of the people that's allowed on the ride.
如果你是一个足够富有或足够白人的人
If you're one of the people that's rich enough or white enough
允许上路。
to be allowed on the ride.
如果你是一个需要建造和维护汽车的人呢？
What if you're one of the people that has to build and maintain the ride?
如果我必须建造和维护这辆车，
If I had to build and maintain the ride,
我会把钢琴线拉过过山车的底部
I would stretch piano wire across the bottom of the rollercoaster
所有人都完成了旅程
so that everybody finished the ride
举着两个大拇指的照片
with a photograph of themselves with two thumbs up
而且没有脑袋。
and no fucking head.
很高兴和你谈话。保重自己，你是最棒的。
It's been a pleasure talking to you. Take care of yourselves, you're the best.